A Top Ten Travel Trio

Maybe this entry is just an excuse for me to use a boatload of alliteration in a title. That has always been a secret dream of mine. I was going to write an article on the "Many merciful miracles made meaningful by making muffins"... but I don't have much to blab about on that subject. If you can make that title work for you, write a blog and I will read every last word (or morsel) of it.

But this entry is going to focus on 3 different travel ideas according to me. First, I want to talk about the top 10 places my eyes have ever seen. Then we will discuss the top 10 places I would still like to go. And then top it off with 10 places I hope to never go to. And then maybe a week or two from now a bonus section containing places I would like to see if it had less landmines or other ways to blow myself to smithereens in some way. Or animals that are intent on maiming me.

You ready? Limber up. Maybe to prep...we should all take a second to take a look at this picture of Steve Nash and Jason Kidd not giving a rat's pooper as they paint the door of a house in New Orleans during NBA All-Star weekend. It's like their eyes are saying "good, ya got the picture?...well then lets bugger off out of here then...ya we know the door looks like crap...whats that?...no we don't really care that much because we both make 10 million a year..." And then they speed off in a Hummer limo. I mean I love Steve Nash but put a little effort into it eh? Then again, maybe the house belonged to Kidd's witch of an ex-wife.

THE Top Ten Places My Eyes Have Ever Seen

10) Lucerne, Switzerland- This should probably higher because it has mountains, a lake and killer swans. And a really nice hostel where you won't get murdered.

9) Copenhagen, Denmark- Quirky little place with its people riding their bikes everywhere and looking like they just stepped out of a catalog. I also got a wicked foot fungus from walking a couple hours to see the Little Mermaid monument (which was a letdown) but I am not sure that is really a travel selling point. But if you like foot fungus...well I think I proved you can definitely get it here.

8) Berlin, Germany- I like the old mixed with the new. And I am not talking about the elderly and babies. Instead I like the old World War II remnants mixed with the crazy modernness of Potsdamer Platz. You watch a professional game or walk anywhere near the Brandenburg Gate or Reichstag and you feel Berlin. And its a good kind of feel. Not like the one that your neighbour went to prison for.

7) Vancouver Island, Canada- The drive through the rainforest across to Ucluelet is a lot of fun. The ferry ride to get there is fun. And the toothless local BC hillbillies (who you know without a doubt are growing hectares of hemp out in the bush somewhere) cap off the experience.

6) Oregon Coast, USA- The one hour drive west of Portland is amazing in itself and then you hit the ocean and its really just the cherry on top.

5) Norfolk Island, Australia- If it weren't for the goat-eating spiders this might rate higher. But the spiders do take it down a notch. But when I need to escape reality for a few minutes, I get on Google Earth and take myself to Emily Bay again and again.

4) France- I liked the Mediterranean coast around Nice other than the women who resembled musk oxen flashing their bosoms as they flopped out of the sea. And the country side as you whistle from Geneva, Switzerland to Paris is breathtakingly simple. And I know Paris is not for everyone but it worked for me.

3) Canadian Rockies- Sometimes you don't have to go very far to find something that blows your mind. Unless you live in Banff and wake up to drunk tourists sleeping on your deck or get eaten by a grizzly bear on a nature walk...this place is a little slice of heaven. If heaven had bears.

2) New Zealand countryside- Its nice. I liked it. Probably even better in the summer.

1) The Tyrol Province of Austria- If you take the train or a car from Liechtenstein to Innsbruck, you are in for some of the best views of your life. As you wind thru the Alps and look at little picturesque towns and villages that cling to the mountainsides you really start to wonder why you don't just move here, buy a flock of sheep and live like the people in the Sound of Music...without the Nazi's of course.

Moving on...

Top Ten Places I Would Still Like to See

10) Quebec: Maybe a trip from Quebec City up the Gaspe Peninsula.

9) Russia: Moscow (I have this urge to stand in Red Square and salute something) and St Petersburg would do the trick.

8) Finland: Would have went in 2005 if the wait for a ferry from Stockholm to Helsinki wasn't going to be 3 days. Apparently, some people make that jaunt for the sole reason that the alcohol is duty free on the boat over. How much do you seriously have to drink to make that ferry ticket pay for itself? I am not sure I want to see the results of that little survey question.

7) Japan: But I am not using chopsticks.

6) Iceland: Or the moon because they both kind of look like they feature the same landscapes from the pictures I have seen. But the moon doesn't have thermal hot springs. Mmmm...thermal springs.

5) Ireland: The day I decide that you really haven't lived until you get in a bar brawl I am going here. Because they do it best.

4) South Africa: I want to swim around off the coast of Cape Town and see if those rumours about all the Great White Sharks are true. I'm going to call their bluff.

3) Czech Republic: Want to walk across the Charles Bridge and see the people who can actually give Dominik Hasek a standing ovation and still look at themselves in the mirror.

2) Chile and Argentina: Torres del Paine National Park and a soccer game in Buenos Aires would do the trick. And maybe a jaunt down to Ushuaia to choke a penguin.

1) Slovenia and Croatia: I hear its highly underrated and as long as people don't start another civil war you can count me in some day.

And then...

Top Ten Places I Never Need to Go

10) Kenya: I don't like getting hit with machetes. I think that's a good enough reason really. What you need one more? Okay, those Masai tribesman guys creep me out when they bounce all over the place like Tigger on speed.

9) India: No.

8) Colombia: I don't do drugs. I don't sell drugs. I don't like transporting balloons of cocaine in my bum. I don't like weapons or being kidnapped by people who have them. Hmm...what else does that really leave here?

7) Somalia: The Wikitravel guide for Mogadishu (the capital city) says that " if you really must come here then its best to get an armed guard...be escorted through the city by Somali or Ethiopian troops...in an armoured car...or better yet a TANK (dead serious)." That sounds swell. Wait, what does that last sentence say. Oh yeah..."independent travel will more than likely result in your death". That didn't really sway my mind any. Do I go? Well Mr Wikitravel what exactly is your definition of "more than likely?". Hmm?

6) Sudan: I'm not going here because Angelina Jolie has. Really kills the buzz for me.

5) Rwanda/Burundi: See Kenya above. I would like to see the mountain gorillas but I am thinking that with my luck I would stumble on a bunch of them...and they too would be wielding machetes.

4) Chad: I looked at the pictures. That was good enough.

3) Iraq: Beheadings...me no likey. I wonder if I could get one of those old Saddam statues for my back yard though. They are just going to go to waste anyways.

2) Pakistan: This place has really been shooting up my charts lately. Bombings suck. Rioting sucks. Mournful wailing sucks when it gets to the point where you know some are overdoing it just to get on tv. And pointless violence sucks. For example, last week I saw a couple guys on tv in Islamabad who were obviously upset over something. So they set a bus on fire. And watched it burn for a while. But that was not good enough. So they picked up rocks and chucked them at the burning bus. Why? I will never know. I can imagine the conversation going like this:

Pakistani 1: I am mad.

Pakistani 2: Me too.

Pakistani 1: Lets burn this bus to prove it.

Pakistani 2: Yes, lets.

(They set bus on fire and watch for a couple minutes).

Pakistani 1: Something's missing.

Pakistani 2: Yessirree Bob.

Pakistani 1: Hey we have rocks. Are you thinking what I am thinking?

Pakistani 2: (thoughfully) No. I was thinking we should chuck them at the bus.

Pakistani 1: Well that works too.

(They chuck rocks at the now half burned bus...and Scene!)

I don't want to go because of the fear of writing another transcript like this or being mistaken for a bus.

1) Saskatchewan: On the scale of awfulness...rats trump everything...all the time. I think that when God created this place he spent about as much time and effort as Nash and Kidd did on that N'Awlins door. No I don't really think that but I there has to be some reason why every year when holidays start my car points itself west and never, ever east. Some day I will go back but it won't be soon. I'd rather be a Pakistani bus.