Here they are. 50 things you will never, ever hear me say:
50. Pretty sure Alex Ovechkin has low self-esteem.
49. If I could be any NBA player I would probably be Kwame Brown.
48. That Vikings quarterback sure lit it up on Sunday.
47. Bob Huggins sure looks a lot more pleasant now that he is coaching at Kansas State. I'll bet he's solved all those alcohol problems too.
46. Of course poker is a sport.
45. Those new San Jose Sharks jerseys are really an upgrade.
46. I miss Rex Grossman.
45. Hey guys I know I won...but I sure would like to be kicked out of the Tasty Mill NFL pool next year.
44. Excuse me Mr. Smoot, when are you organizing the next boat cruise and is there anything I can bring?
43. I went and saw Tom Coughlin's new stand up comedy routine and it was superb.
42. Celine Dion is overrated...wait, what?
41. We're going out for the night, can you phone up Britney and see if she can babysit?
40. Shawn Kemp is only the father of 2 of my children.
39. Boy on TV, it sure looks like Cleveland would be a nice place to live.
38. Holy Hemsky, pass the dang puck!
37. Mark Chan sure does look good in that sweater vest. (just kidding I didn't see it...I'm sure you were smoldering)
36. I hired Shaq to teach me how to shoot free throws. Also, really waiting for his next movie to come out. I'm totally getting Kazaam on Blu-Ray.
35. I wish I didn't have a spine because then I could be more bendy.
34. That Boyz 2 Men rendition of "God Bless of America" in game 2 of the World Series didn't make my ears bleed.
33. I'm going to go bet my life savings and my wife on Gabe Morency's lock that the Redskins will stay within 16 of the Patriots. After all, there's no real chance they could lose by 45 points. LOCK!
32. I would feel better if I got rid of some of these internal organs that are weighing me down. Starting with my spleen.
31. Next year the NFL should hold its showcase international game in Bangladesh.
30. I sure hope A-Rod gets the kind of money in this next contract that he deserves.
29. We really need to take a road trip down and watch a Tampa Bay Devil Rays weekend series.
28. I usually don't get excited about the MLB season until around game 148.
27. I could beat Tiger Woods in 18 hole stroke play if he let me hit from the ladies tees.
26. Netball is so fun.
25. I am truly sorry for that thing I did early one spring morning in Simms, Montana.
24. Got my front row seats for the Red Sox victory parade!
23. The East German women's swim team was way better looking back in the 1980's.
22. This summer holidays we are thinking of either going to Uzbekistan or Burkina Faso.
21. Where's a spatula when you need one?
20. If I get a second life I want to come back as a cantaloupe. Or Kwame Brown.
19. College football doesn't need a playoff system...I like watching my team play Southeast North Carolina Valley State University in the Intel Insight Computers Bowl live from Rock Springs, Wyoming.
18. I can't wait until the World Junior Hockey Championships start.
17. Raffi Torre's facial hair isn't that bad.
16. Did you see Dikembe Mutombo's crossover last night? Breaking ankles!
15. Chad Johnson needs to talk about himself more.
14. The Portland Trailblazers are role models for young people everywhere.
13. My favourite drink is probably acid rain.
12. If I was to injure any part of my body, I would hope that it was my eye.
11. Sure wish I could take that university dance class over and over again.
10. I can't wait until our mid-January basketball road trip to Bashaw.
9. Remember that time Buffalo Sabres goalie Clint Malarchuk got his head skated over...sports needs more feel good moments like that.
8. I don't even mind having a tapeworm living inside me.
7. Hey guys, I rented a 1984 Ford Taurus for us to ride around in at Grad
6. Can John Madden explain that to me again?
5. How can I get a New England accent. I especially like when they say "Chowda!"
4. What are we watching tonight: "Spiceworld" or "Crossroads" (or "Josie and the Pussycats" Ha!)
3. I'm going to donate to one of Barry Bonds' charities.
2. Hey Mark, Aaron might look good in that sweater vest.
1. I like Kobe
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The worst people on Earth...
The worst people on Earth are the people wearing the Hamilton Ti-Cats jerseys this year. I don't know who they are or what they smoke before they go out there (I assume it is a hullicinogen, it has to be) but they are horrible people. Horrible people who suck at what they do and who I believe actually try to shorten the lives of their teammates on occasion as well. See Brock Ralph's near decapitation today at the hand of a Casey Printers lob. If this sounds familiar, its because this has happened to Ralph before. But last time it was in T.O. with Timmy Chang at the helm. Why do they hate themselves, each other and me oh so very much?
Actually, those are maybe the second worst people on Earth these days. The worst are the so-called sports prognosticaters who predict the outcomes in the world of sports. I am getting really sick of some dude coming on to my tv and pretending he is the allknowing, omnipotent lord of sports predictions. Most end up coming across as the no-knowing, impotent garbage minion of sports predictions. I hate them. Two examples for you:
1) That Gabe guy that shows up way too frequently on the Score to give his garbage advice and look like a raging arse. Nice outfit Gabe...can't imagine all the kids out there who will see you and rush out to buy a sports jacket and a backwards sports cap...and wear them together. He reminds me of the guy who is destined to flunk out of school by the end of junior high and who you have a huge urge to pound in the face but realize that the forces of natural selection are going to do the deed for you. And thus you won't hurt your hand.
I particularly like his "Locks" of the week segment. If you don't know, a lock is a pick that is a sure thing. Done deal. You win. So far Gabe is 10-8 on his locks of the week. And that my friends is putrid. If you went to the Score website last week and checked his lock you would have seen him picking the Houston Texans to win in Jacksonville. Oooh....how'd that go? The Jags snot-kicked the Texans 37-17 and it was worse except for some late Texans garbage points. So if you bet the house and the car and your kids on the game last week based on that "lock", you are now cold, going out to buy a bus pass and awfully lonely. If you kept the kids out of the bet there is a good chance that you and they are now surviving by eating each other's toenails and licking the sweat out from behind your own kneecaps to survive. Not a pretty picture...I didn't say it was going to be. BUT GABE FRICKIN' DID!
2) There was this guy who came on my tv the other day on some random channel who called himself the "Moz" or the "Boz" or some such crap. Real name was Bob Mozowski or Mob Bozkowski...don't know, don't care. He was at least 45 years old, 70 pounds overweight, battling a visible case of the meat sweats and yet quite obviously a sports guru. All three picks he gave me were trash but he announced them like they were truth etched in stone. And then he left the tv studio. Guessing he went back to the basement of his mom and pops house and lathered himself in butter, popped in a copy of Britney Spears in "Crossroads", replayed the part where she dances in her undies over and over about 14 times, grunted and then played Dungeons and Dragons on his computer until well about 5 minutes ago. I'm thinking my prediction of his life is likely better then the predictions he gave me about three sporting contests.
Being a good sports predictor boils down to a little bit of knowledge and a buttload of luck. I can't stand the people who build themselves up as prophets when they get a couple of sports predictions right. Last year, I was 1st the entire country in the Sportsnet hockey pool...for one day. And then it was gone and it never came back. Because my luck went away. My knowledge didn't, but my luck did. So do me a favour. If you are an egocentric, uneducated sports predicting dong... don't come on my tv and give me your "lock" picks. I don't care and I will just develop a little ball of hate for you and store it in my belly where it will rest against my soul. And their will be osmosis and it will eventually permeate said soul. And then watch out.
You are thinking, wow...so much anger. Yes, it peeves me. So don't do it. The only exception might be if you are going to tell me to find the team thats playing the Ti-Cats any given week and bet all I have on them. Now that might be as close to a lock as you are going to get. That and I have this feeling Germany is gearing up to make another run at Poland. I feel it in my bones. Not yet a lock, but for betting purposes I'll let you know when I feel it is imminent.
Actually, those are maybe the second worst people on Earth these days. The worst are the so-called sports prognosticaters who predict the outcomes in the world of sports. I am getting really sick of some dude coming on to my tv and pretending he is the allknowing, omnipotent lord of sports predictions. Most end up coming across as the no-knowing, impotent garbage minion of sports predictions. I hate them. Two examples for you:
1) That Gabe guy that shows up way too frequently on the Score to give his garbage advice and look like a raging arse. Nice outfit Gabe...can't imagine all the kids out there who will see you and rush out to buy a sports jacket and a backwards sports cap...and wear them together. He reminds me of the guy who is destined to flunk out of school by the end of junior high and who you have a huge urge to pound in the face but realize that the forces of natural selection are going to do the deed for you. And thus you won't hurt your hand.
I particularly like his "Locks" of the week segment. If you don't know, a lock is a pick that is a sure thing. Done deal. You win. So far Gabe is 10-8 on his locks of the week. And that my friends is putrid. If you went to the Score website last week and checked his lock you would have seen him picking the Houston Texans to win in Jacksonville. Oooh....how'd that go? The Jags snot-kicked the Texans 37-17 and it was worse except for some late Texans garbage points. So if you bet the house and the car and your kids on the game last week based on that "lock", you are now cold, going out to buy a bus pass and awfully lonely. If you kept the kids out of the bet there is a good chance that you and they are now surviving by eating each other's toenails and licking the sweat out from behind your own kneecaps to survive. Not a pretty picture...I didn't say it was going to be. BUT GABE FRICKIN' DID!
2) There was this guy who came on my tv the other day on some random channel who called himself the "Moz" or the "Boz" or some such crap. Real name was Bob Mozowski or Mob Bozkowski...don't know, don't care. He was at least 45 years old, 70 pounds overweight, battling a visible case of the meat sweats and yet quite obviously a sports guru. All three picks he gave me were trash but he announced them like they were truth etched in stone. And then he left the tv studio. Guessing he went back to the basement of his mom and pops house and lathered himself in butter, popped in a copy of Britney Spears in "Crossroads", replayed the part where she dances in her undies over and over about 14 times, grunted and then played Dungeons and Dragons on his computer until well about 5 minutes ago. I'm thinking my prediction of his life is likely better then the predictions he gave me about three sporting contests.
Being a good sports predictor boils down to a little bit of knowledge and a buttload of luck. I can't stand the people who build themselves up as prophets when they get a couple of sports predictions right. Last year, I was 1st the entire country in the Sportsnet hockey pool...for one day. And then it was gone and it never came back. Because my luck went away. My knowledge didn't, but my luck did. So do me a favour. If you are an egocentric, uneducated sports predicting dong... don't come on my tv and give me your "lock" picks. I don't care and I will just develop a little ball of hate for you and store it in my belly where it will rest against my soul. And their will be osmosis and it will eventually permeate said soul. And then watch out.
You are thinking, wow...so much anger. Yes, it peeves me. So don't do it. The only exception might be if you are going to tell me to find the team thats playing the Ti-Cats any given week and bet all I have on them. Now that might be as close to a lock as you are going to get. That and I have this feeling Germany is gearing up to make another run at Poland. I feel it in my bones. Not yet a lock, but for betting purposes I'll let you know when I feel it is imminent.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Two cent quickies
Second edition of the two cent quickies. For newcomers, this does not refer to some shady deal that goes down in a dimly lit Amsterdam alley. If you were looking for that blog, it is elsewhere.
I love this time of year. As the leaves fall off the trees and bonk me on my tall German forehead, the sports world awakens from its hibernation. And not a moment too soon. Summertime is the Siberia of the sports season. If you are a sports fan you actually feel like you have been sent to a gulag east of Omsk to work your knuckles to the bone. The only positive of that would be that I am sure they don't get satellite in the gulag and hence there is no way you could be exposed to the WNBA. Or Arena football. Shiver.
Some recently noted nuggets from the world of sports:
1) When that Rockies-Padres tiebreaker game went to extra innings last night, things were tense. In the 11th inning, Rockies shortstop Kaz Matsui came up to bat. One of the announcers apparently had termites in his trousers because all the sudden he got downright giddy. Quote: "watch out this guy has some pop in his bat"!! Then he went on to mention Kaz's 4 home runs on the season...in 164 games! A circus midget wielding a pussy willow twiglet could thwack at least 5. Wow. I bet if you go to that sportscaster's apartment you very well might find it covered in Kaz posters and find a life sized Kaz hair doll occupying the spot on the other side of his bed. Thats the only explanation I can think of.
2) I bruised my spleen laughing last week when I heard Ti-Cats coach Charlie Taaffe say that they were not mathematically eliminated yet. Umm...we are 2-11. Thats like saying that this guy is not mathematically eliminated from dating Jessica Biel. Oh and for the record...he is!
Sad sidenote: pretty sure I owned that shirt somewhere around grade 10. Wait is that me?
4) Presidents Cup golf recap. The US team won the cup. Mike Weir beat Tiger Woods in a match. And if you watched any of it...you really need a life. And i hate you.
5) Happy to see that Mason Raymond made the Canucks. Hope he plays with the Sedins. The Canucks seem to finally have figured out that guys who can score should stay up and play on the team. This kid can score. Now just waiting for that gloomy day in December when they decide Raymond could use more ice time in the minors and Mike Brown and his figure skates show back up in Vancouver. Guy skates like he has toe picks on both the front and back of his skates.
By the way the Phoenix Mercury are WNBA champions. Thats swell. Cappie Pondexter was their leading scorer. Pretty sure i knew a Cappie Pondexter once...but he was a well educated lobster fisherman so I'm not sure it was the same person. Either way, have a good offseason WNBA. And please make sure not to call me when you resume play.
I love this time of year. As the leaves fall off the trees and bonk me on my tall German forehead, the sports world awakens from its hibernation. And not a moment too soon. Summertime is the Siberia of the sports season. If you are a sports fan you actually feel like you have been sent to a gulag east of Omsk to work your knuckles to the bone. The only positive of that would be that I am sure they don't get satellite in the gulag and hence there is no way you could be exposed to the WNBA. Or Arena football. Shiver.
Some recently noted nuggets from the world of sports:
1) When that Rockies-Padres tiebreaker game went to extra innings last night, things were tense. In the 11th inning, Rockies shortstop Kaz Matsui came up to bat. One of the announcers apparently had termites in his trousers because all the sudden he got downright giddy. Quote: "watch out this guy has some pop in his bat"!! Then he went on to mention Kaz's 4 home runs on the season...in 164 games! A circus midget wielding a pussy willow twiglet could thwack at least 5. Wow. I bet if you go to that sportscaster's apartment you very well might find it covered in Kaz posters and find a life sized Kaz hair doll occupying the spot on the other side of his bed. Thats the only explanation I can think of.
2) I bruised my spleen laughing last week when I heard Ti-Cats coach Charlie Taaffe say that they were not mathematically eliminated yet. Umm...we are 2-11. Thats like saying that this guy is not mathematically eliminated from dating Jessica Biel. Oh and for the record...he is!
Sad sidenote: pretty sure I owned that shirt somewhere around grade 10. Wait is that me?
4) Presidents Cup golf recap. The US team won the cup. Mike Weir beat Tiger Woods in a match. And if you watched any of it...you really need a life. And i hate you.
5) Happy to see that Mason Raymond made the Canucks. Hope he plays with the Sedins. The Canucks seem to finally have figured out that guys who can score should stay up and play on the team. This kid can score. Now just waiting for that gloomy day in December when they decide Raymond could use more ice time in the minors and Mike Brown and his figure skates show back up in Vancouver. Guy skates like he has toe picks on both the front and back of his skates.
By the way the Phoenix Mercury are WNBA champions. Thats swell. Cappie Pondexter was their leading scorer. Pretty sure i knew a Cappie Pondexter once...but he was a well educated lobster fisherman so I'm not sure it was the same person. Either way, have a good offseason WNBA. And please make sure not to call me when you resume play.
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