Canucks 2008-2009

It really pains me to write this article. I was hoping to be sitting here tonight watching game 5 of the Canucks opening round series but alas that was a pipe dream. A leaky, corroded pipe of a dream. But maybe that series wouldn't have squirmed its way past 4 games anyways. So all we can do is scoop up our #10 pick in the next draft and let the calendar flip its way towards next October. And when the calender gets there, I don't want to see the same garbage team that melted away into the GM place ice this year. We need changes. And I am going to tell you what those changes need to be.

1) Well Dave Nonis is already gone. So I can't say that I orchestrated that change. Actually I am not sure that it would have been a change I made. I don't know how much of this collapse could be pinned on chubmeister Dave. I am not mad that he traded Todd Bertuzzi (who by the way is a future serial killer...mark my words) for Roberto Luongo. Not only was that a rip off but we got the better of the spare parts in that deal too when we scooped up Lucas Krajicek who has skill for Bryan Allen who is...um...tall and has um...girth?

And I am not mad that Nonis didn't trade the Sedins for Olli Jokinen at the deadline because that would have been stupid. Likewise the deal he could have made to get Brad Richards but would have cost us Kesler and Edler. He was fat but he wasn't that dumb. Why is it that when people see a fatso they think to themselves quietly that "he must be dumb as a stump too". Don't think like that. If Oprah has taught me anything in life its that skinny Oprah is just as flippin' dumb as fatty Oprah was back in the day. Body weight does not affect brain ability.

Nonis is gone. He leaves behind him an All Star goaltender, a decent defence corps, some good young players (Raymond, Edler, Schneider, Bourdon) and a trail of donut glaze that winds its way down West Georgia street, through Stanley Park and peters out somewhere in the wooded hills north of town. The new GM has plenty of pieces to work with and I know what he should do.

2) Change number 2 is to let Trevor Linden retire. Don't even talk to him about coming back. I love Linden, but we cannot keep doing this every year. He did his victory lap in the last regular season game against the Flames, they made him the number 1 star and now he needs to go. I remember watching him circle the ice in the final game and saying to my wife that he would be one big arrogant glory hog to actually have the nerve to come back for another season now. I'm glad that Jeff Cowan didn't try that or I am pretty sure that someone would have thrown a sack of hammers on his head as he skated around. Time to go Trevor...its been fun. Take Cowan with you.

3) Re-sign Markus Naslund for cheap. If he will take 3 million/1year we have a deal. No extra years. No extra dollars. But we owe Markus the chance to come back and play on this team. If we can play out Linden for 3 or 4 extra years then we sure as heck can give Markus an extra year for all he did for us. Hands down my all time favourite Canuck. Bure was flashier, McLean was an excellent goalie, and Odjick was so ugly that you almost felt sorry for him but none were as much of a Canuck star as Markus.

4) Don't re-sign Brendan Morrison. Package him with something in a trade and get something in return. Or save 3 million and let him go. I have just tired of him.

This is my roster that fits under the cap for next season.

Henrik Sedin/Daniel Sedin/Marian Hossa
Markus Naslund/Jeff Carter/Mason Raymond
Alex Burrows/Ryan Kesler/Taylor Pyatt
Matt Pettinger/Jannik Hansen/Michael Grabner

Willie Mitchell/Sami Salo
Matthias Ohlund/Lukas Krajicek
Kevin Bieksa/Alex Edler

Roberto Luongo
Drew McIntyre

Changes made:
Hossa signed as an UFA
Carter traded here for Bourdon and two draft picks
Hansen, Grabner, McIntyre up from the Moose

That would be a decent team. If Anson Carter could score 33 goals with the Sedins, a sniper like Hossa should pot around 350. Hossa has more talent in his big left toe than Carter had in his whole body. Carter is going to be shopped around because the Flyers have other players to pay. And the kids from the Moose cannot be any worse than the goofballs that occupied those spots this year. Here's hoping I don't see Ritchie, Cowan, Rypien or McIver in a Canucks uniform ever again.

The NHL is dead to me this year. I don't care if anyone actually wins the Stanley Cup. I am not cheering for the other Canadian teams. I am glad Ottawa is gone and I hope that Calgary and Montreal join them soon. I do not have 2 NHL teams that I "cheer" for. Its the Canucks and nothing else. The Dave Nonis timbit massacre years are over. The garbage that was the end of this year is over. Over like Madonna's sex appeal. Over like Hillary Clinton's presidential chances (and sex appeal too...curiously enough). Over like Bill Cosby's sense of humour. Over like...well you get the point. The Canucks will be back. We will fix what ails us and you will hear from us in 2009.